So You Think You Can Survive My Biggest Loser's Apprentice?

            I just love reality TV. Maybe it’s the way Tyra reinforces a person’s vain self-image and bulimic tendencies that warms my heart. Or perhaps it is the anticipation of the deceit and inevitable drama of the upcoming Bachelor that brings me to tears.

            And the real question is: What will the Sea Shepherds' elaborate/useless vandalism project be this year? I have to admit, the acid and overturned rafts of season two was awe-inspiring, but the paintballs of season three were the real icing on the cake.

            Maybe I should start my own reality TV show. All it basically needs is a mildly annoying host, a weekly challenge, and a tearful occurrence every seven minutes. Oh, and ten randomly selected contestants who just happen to have polar opposite personalities and slightly neurotic dispositions.

            Then there are the extra tidbits that make the show all the more appealing. An evil eye here, a sabotaged plan there. I think my show will be called Project: So You Think You Can Survive my Biggest Loser’s Apprentice? Yeah, still working on a title.

            The plot is sketchy, but the setting is a deserted island. Here, ten up-and-coming fashion designers will be contending to lose the most weight. At the end of each week, the ones who have lost 5% body fat and can demonstrate the best dance moves will be given a red rose. As for the rest? You’re fired.

            The season finale is going to be a real shocker, so the details will be kept to the producers. I will say, however, that it involves a match of wits between Howie Mandel and a really smart fifth grader.

            I think this series has a lot of potential to instill positive family values in today’s TV-watchers. What reality show doesn’t? Gossip, betrayal, and discord are only scarcely prevalent.

            There has been much controversy over this matter. Many argue that it is teaching our young people to have lower morals and distorted worldviews. My rebuttal to this statement is that learning how to hunt ghosts or decorate cakes is obviously the more important issue.

            Reality TV can teach a person so much. In the very probable event that I am forced to lie in a bathtub of scorpions or make a dress out of newspaper, I am in luck. Fear Factor and Project Runway have taught me well.
            Someday, I hope everyone can take as much joy and knowledge from these shows as I have. Who wouldn't enjoy watching a loveable yet scantily clad 3-year-old prima donna parade on a pageant stage for parents living vicariously through her? What insight couldn't you get from people with strange addictions to eating household cleaners, toilet paper, and furniture stuffing? How could you not feel the love of a deluded polygamist family surround you as you grimace? For those who have not yet experienced this innovation of the 21st century, I guarantee wisdom to be gained in every episode. What more could a person want? All I can say is...the tribe has spoken.