Thoughts About Unicorns

People in church are always talking about how excited they are to meet Jesus, or how they're "ready to be with the Lord." They make it sound as if Jesus is going to meet us at the heavenly gates riding a unicorn and say, "Hey thought you'd never make it! You're just in time for the 3-winged race. Those seraphim are really going to crush the cherubim into the dust." Then we will ride with Jesus across a meadow made of cotton candy clouds while giant chocolate doves fly overhead.

When they say this, I always nod agreeingly, pretending that I feel the same way. Truth is, I am terrified at the thought of meeting Jesus.

Sorry if that sounds un-Christian-like of me, but it's the truth. Don't get me wrong--it's not so much the thought of dying or death that gets me--I just cannot understand how somebody would not cower in fear at the thought of meeting the creator of the universe face-to-face. Now I know how Moses felt when the Bible said he hid his face because he was afraid to look at God. I think I would have peed my pants. Or fainted. Or maybe died. At the very least, someone would have had to come up the mountain to find me writhing in a fetal position. It says that after Moses came down with the stone tablets, people were afraid to even look at his face because it was so radiant from seeing just the backside of the glory of God. Wow. Does that not blow your mind?

Even in Isaiah's vision, he pretty much freaks out at the realization of God's holiness and his own unholiness. I would, too.  I say I long for heaven, but it is like an expectant and hopeful terror. And I wonder why this scares me so much. I think there's something inside us all that thinks, "When God finally sees this awful piece of scum, he's going to give us one look, and with a look of disgust, turn back around." But as much as I say that thought is ridiculous, I still think it. We say we believe we are made new and worthy to be called saints, but I think in reality we don't believe that at all.

It's not like God doesn't already see our depravity, our cowardice, our shame, or our failures. In fact, he knows them better than we do. And that's a scary thought. But it's also a breathtakingly beautiful thought. The thought that even though he has plucked around in the mire and sludge of our lives, he will still be waiting expectantly for us in heaven with the greatest love we have never experienced on earth. It scares me how good God is.

But I have a feeling when I get to heaven, all that fear will be gone. I have a feeling that when that time comes, I won't have time nor capacity to fear because I will be filled with an awe I can't even imagine.